finally. i can masturbate in my car.

Good. Got your attention. Problem is, I think we’re gonna loose it.

Here’s something new; a car that drives itself in traffic. I mean, we’ve all heard stories about car’s that drive themselves, but even your early adopting uncle Jack (you know, the dude that actually owns a Roomba) doesn’t have a self driving car.

Well this thing… exists. And works.

Dope idea right? Sorta. I may be an old fogie at 32 years old, but I like my drivers forced to control their vehicles. While I hate traffic as much as the next poor slob, them’s be the brakes, so to speak, with owning a personal combustion engine that portes you to work. Boo hoo, you gotta hit the break, then the gas, then the break. Walk, or better yet, take public transportation you lazy fuck; there’s no traffic in the club car, and you can drink on the way to work.

When I watch this asshead with his hands behind his head, I immediately think he’s dreaming he’s getting felacio from a down-and-out Lisa Whelchel (look it up). While texting and driving caused 23% of all traffic incidents last year, I cant help but wonder how long he can hold out from checking grinder. Or tinder. Or Furrier (Tinder for furries. trust.) 18 seconds, max, then, whamo. Right into the back of a bus caring child nuns with rescue kittens on the way to the hospice. Nice, real nice.

While I’m all for technology helping make time for us to masturbate more efficiently, like being able to make love to my iPad, or remotely able to get my partner off at Chipotle, I never want a device that allows me to masturbate that has the potential to kill. I mean, if it was a Lambo, that would be a different story, but Audi’s just aren’t that sexy.

Put your hands back on the wheel bro. Lisa ain’t coming around.

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